The Limbo Between Life and Death

Illustration by Dana Binfet

Let me start this by saying I hope this article will show some of you reading this that you are not alone.

I have, at a handful of points in my life, battled suicidal thoughts. In fact, I have almost committed suicide. It has been quite a while since I have had any of those thoughts, but having them in the first place is still something I don’t like to admit, even to myself. There are three times that I can vividly recall almost committing suicide and without going into detail, I can attribute my very rational fear of making that decision as the only reason I am here today. It truly is something else when you feel there is no hope, and as far as you can see there is no way out.

A question might have popped into some of your heads, “What do you mean no way out? There always is.” When you have been relentlessly bullied for as long as you can remember and realize you will have to endure years more of it; when you have to grow up quickly and without a choice in order to help care for an aging relative; and when you have never developed a way to deal with emotions other than to bottle all of them-- it is pretty easy to think there is no way out.

But what even is this “way out”, the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, a reason to live? For a long while I did not have an answer to this question, but here are a few examples that I have found work for me. Simply put, being able to walk out the front door and never come back, the handful of people I consider close friends, how my family would react, and, currently, my photography. My photography gives me a purpose, to capture a moment that will never happen again, and later to take me back to good memories, no matter how many or how few there are. These are just some ways, some reasons that I found to keep me going.

Now with these thoughts, there can be this kind of grey area, or limbo, that no one really talks about: not suicidal but also not wanting to exist. It is an area that I find myself residing in more often than I would like, especially recently. I do not want to kill myself, but I also do not want to be here; wishing to have never existed in the first place, or at least in the moment. To the best of my research I have found there is no singular word to describe this feeling, but it seems to be a combination of hopelessness and emptiness. This limbo is incredibly difficult to live in. But being in this limbo made me realize something; for whatever reason there is a part of me that does not want to die, that knows life is worth living. This part of me is what I have learned to hold onto when I start to get these feelings. 

So what should you do if you or someone you know is experiencing some of these feelings? First, if you or someone you know has a plan to commit suicide, or is in the process of starting a plan, please call 911 or go to an emergency room. If you are having suicidal thoughts there is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline’s toll-free number, 1-800-273-8255, which connects the caller to a certified crisis center near where the call is placed. Santa Monica College also offers help through The Center for Wellness & Wellbeing, located at the main campus in the Liberal Arts Building room 110. The Center offers an array of services, including 24/7 emotional support, which you can call at (800) 691-6003 for help, walk-in crisis intervention, and free short term counseling.