A Real Patriot’s Guide to Veterans Day

Armistice Day was originally created to commemorate the end of World War I, “the war to end all wars.” Its name and meaning have evolved over the years into what is today known as Veterans Day. The national holiday is intended to highlight the costly and sometimes ultimate sacrifice of those who have volunteered to “support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic.” It salutes the heavy and lonely burden placed upon the broad shoulders of young men and women in the prime of their lives, many times with images and dreams of horrific violence and tragedy to carry with them until their final breath. But perhaps most importantly of all, Veterans Day gives every single never-done-nothing, bumper sticker patriot a chance to tell the rest of us what it means to be a real Murikan’.

Being a veteran myself, let me start out by saying that anyone who didn’t wear the uniform has to automatically respect and accept anything I say when it comes to the military, veterans, and what it means to be an American. The same thing goes for those who did serve and disagree with me. For anyone who thinks that the First Amendment extends to all Americans equally, as the Founders intended, I offer this humble advice: Love it or leave it, you yellow-bellied snowflakes!

One group of true American patriots that don’t need to be lectured on American exceptionalism are those brave souls who fly gigantic flags and political banners off their vehicles. I’ve heard some people say they’re just trying to compensate for their inadequate packages, but I’m here to tell you that’s all lame-stream media FAKE NEWS! So what if those bumper sticker patriots, including some who happened to have served in the military, never had the courage to put their own asses on the line in any meaningful way for the country? We’re talking about giant flagpoles, people! Suck on that King George!

On the opposite end of the patriotism spectrum are those anti-American, dark-skinned thug, communist activist athletes. How dare they not stand for the national anthem? Heels touching and toes pointing out in a 45-degree angle, fingers curled and thumbs touching the seams of their trousers, unblinking eyes staring straight ahead. Just like every other person in that stadium and watching from home does!

Everyone knows that sporting events are basically the same thing as military funerals and memorials for the dead. What do those professional athletes think this is? A children’s game being played by adults for the entertainment and distraction of society? A bunch of Bin Laden's if you ask me, every single one of them. It’s not as if any of these athletes or their families have ever served in the military. Except maybe for that Pat Tillman guy, but he was one of the “losers” who got killed serving in Afghanistan. 2nd Batt Special Operator? More like Special Operations “Sucker!" Almost as pathetic as all those American prisoners of war. Me personally, "I like people who weren't captured, ok? I hate to tell you."

As dumb as Tillman was, he wasn’t half as bad as all these lazy, homeless veterans clogging up the sidewalks and freeway underpasses, with their sheltered lives of privilege. Work much? Real patriots let these welfare-queen freeloaders hear it every time they pass them on the streets: Get a job “losers!” Especially the ones wearing rags and yelling at park benches and street signs — as if they can’t work a nine-to-five job as a telemarketer. Quit scamming the system and pull yourself up by your nonexistent bootstraps!

But perhaps the worst kind of veterans are those suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). What a bunch of weaklings, those crybabies who “can’t handle it.” As for the roughly 20 veterans a day in this country who kill themselves? They’re nothing but attention-whore drama-queens! Feeling like you’ve spiraled down a deep dark hole that you’ll never be able to climb your way out of, with no light at the end of the tunnel, or any hope that anyone else even understands what you’re going through? Hike up your skirt and man up, snowflake! I’ll pay a penny more in taxes so that these suicidal veterans can get help they need through the Veterans Administration when they pry it from my cold, dead hands!

My best piece of advice for Americans this Veterans Day is to follow the lead of red-blooded patriots like Eddie Gallagher. War criminal, s’mores criminal, I say! Only a true American hero can stab an already fatally wounded kid in the neck, just so he can brag about getting a knife kill. Get that Medal of Honor on standby! And I don’t want to hear any complaints about the current commander in chief endorsing and spreading a Russian conspiracy theory about Osama Bin Laden still being alive, his supposed corpse actually that of a U.S. Special Operator purposely killed by our own military just for that purpose. Sounds like some crazy nonsense your dementia-addled grandfather would say? More like telling it how it is!

So as we focus on the immense sacrifices of those who have served in our armed forces this November 11, it’s important to remember what this solemn day really represents. Never forget…that only some people in this country are entitled to the inherent, God-given protection of the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. And if you disagree with me in any way, you’re not one of those people. God bless America. God bless freedom of speech.